The A in Asato
by kr kill
Summary: oneshot. tsuhis. Hisoka's POV. Hisoka's worried about Tsuzuki and realizes he's falling in love. Tsuzuki doesn't want to hurt anyone and let everyone walk away once. Will he let Hisoka walk away like all the others?


The A in Asato

**_A/N: _**I know it's been awhile since I wrote a fic under YnM. I don't even know what drove me to write one today. Maybe because of the constant whining of some of my friend…and I guess I'm thankful that they inspired me to write one despite my very own writer's block…I do hope I can update or at least continue my YnM multi-chaptered ficlet…T.T

This happened right after the series…under Hisoka's POV! Please review! Thanks!

**_Disclaimer: _**Yami no Matsuei does not belong to me…and it never will be T.T

~*start*~

I don't know what occurred to me that night; one thing I know was that I was completely sane and intact. Then why the hell was I willing to sacrifice my own life just to save Tsuzuki.

The answers up until now is unknown, you can't possible count something like I've _fallen_ in love with him, which was quite impossible because the word fallen itself is not written in my dictionary. Like I've said, or rather like what I want people to believe; I, Hisoka Kurosaki has closed myself from this vicious world. And if I ever did fall, it's not yet to late for me to back out cause I'm not giving in to such crap.

I don't even know where those words I uttered, specifically the '_I need you_' part, came from. But I couldn't help feeling the wave of relief after Tsuzuki junked the idea of killing himself, is that a count?

And upon being bed-ridden isn't much of a help either cause I came to the realization of many things. Things I have once lost hope, I learned to trust again…though I have to admit there's the constant nagging of doubt that I was really loosing myself. That means bad, I'm thinking too much.

Oh and not loosing like going insane mind you, but loosing like lowering my shields for all to see the real Hisoka Kurosaki.

+

Though Muraki was far off from within grasp, I noticed someone drifting and slipping away from me. It was Tsuzuki; he never seemed the same after what the bastard did.

He was always lost in thought, like I'm not; at least he still like sweets but there's still something missing…a lot actually. And all those things are what I _love_ about him most.

Whoa…wait a minute…did I just use the word love? Uh-oh I'm in deep trouble…I must be really loosing myself.

'Just admit it, you idiot!' Someone said in my head.

What the hell would I admit?

'That you are currently in love with your partner, Tsuzuki Asato and that you are also worried about his attitude this past weeks…'

Ha-ha…very funny. I'm quite content with my life, thank you. I've had enough of those when I was still alive, my life's never been better without it.

'Then tell me one thing…what is Tsuzuki for you?'

Bad question! Tsuzuki is may partner here in JuOhCho, nothing more…nothing less.

'Really?'

Okay, okay…maybe not really.

"'Soka?"

'Just admit it!'

I sighed slowly…my mind is conjuring many unbelievable scenes.

"'Soka? Daijobu?"

I feel as if someone was calling me or maybe my empathy was playing with me as well.

"'Soka!"

"Huh? Oh Tsuzuki? Is something the matter?" I asked almost heavily as if my conscience really was stating the truth.

"I should be asking you that. You were drifting…" He said seriously, very much unlike the hyper-Tsuzuki I know.

"I'm fine," I replied.

"I was just wondering…uh…never mind."

I raised my brow but he didn't say anything much further as he sighed himself and continued sulking in his desk so I turned to my own set of paper work.

What the hell was wrong with him? I shouldn't be submitting to my conscience but I'm getting worried. Too worried for his own good and my own as well.

After months and missions, I couldn't help notice that Tsuzuki was devilishly _attractive_. No wonder Tatsumi fell in love with him when they were still partners. If that was really true, why does Tatsumi distance himself from Tsuzuki? And maybe the same reason goes for Muraki (except for the part he want to resurrect Saki).

Anyway, I think Tsuzuki is _adorable_ too, look at him when he transforms into that cute little pup. Wait, I thought I said I don't like it when he's like that…he gets everything he likes in that form (specially me). But he's still cute…not good; I'm contradicting myself.

I know he's been _abandoned_ for too long. I mean look at him; I know he's lonely but he keeps it to himself, which is not good of course. I just can't figure why his partners doubt Tsuzuki, he's way too good, he's not evil (that's what he believes he is)…why does his previous partners abandon him?

Tsuzuki is always _affected_ when someone gets hurt. He hates to see someone suffer but allows his own self to suffer. When he called upon Touda, he thought that was the best solution as of yet but he was wrong because I needed him. And I still do…I still do need him.

He has been my _alleviate_, my solace, my light…before him all I could see were shades of black and white. All I could ever feel were shards of broken ice, its cold seeping through my soul…as if I was dead for the second time.

Yes, he was _annoying_ as hell, he kept on asking stupid questions but that was all part of it. I didn't even realize that the ice were all melting around me and my one-mile thick wall was disappearing as well…it all came to me when I felt the heat all over me. When I could breathe more easily as if a huge weight was removed.

And he was _aromatic_ too, you know…sweet, but of course I didn't give a damn. Not until that night…not until I saw the flames circling around him, not until he was about to die. Yes, I cried…I cried not because I would loose him but because of my very own fear. I was afraid, very much compared to what cynical and diabolical plans Muraki have to let me die again. It was all because of him. I was even willing to die for him, to die with him…all for a single purpose.

He was _apologetic_; maybe because he never did realize what change he brought to my life, what light he became to be. He took the world upon his shoulders, the death of the innocent in his hands; he took all the sorrow and pain leaving no space for true happiness and true love.

He was _amorous_ though he believed to be pure evil. He was liked by all, unlike me…he thought of other people rather than himself. He was self-giving but why. Why was he so lonely? He doesn't need to hide in those walls because he had never felt the same fate I have felt. He wasn't locked up in a cellar while others' feelings came in and out of him. And that was our difference; he was loved and I was never loved…ever. All I ever did feel was pain, everyone existed to give me that.

Tsuzuki was _angelic_ too, though I would never admit it in public. I do watch him whenever I can especially when we're in field duty. Those were the instances when I cannot bring myself to sleep peacefully, in result, to pass my boredom I gaze at him. Never have I seen Tsuzuki as serene as when he is asleep. He may be an idiot at times but that makes him…him.

He has always been in anguish; I don't need to ask because I already know the answer. I'm an empath no less and that has been my curse in goodness and at cruelty at times. He has a lot to deal just like myself and it takes all my courage to hold on that priority.

He is even _affectionate_, I have seen it many times but none-the-less I have never doubted his skills. There might be unresolved cases, paranormal and all but with him I feel protected and safe. If only…for the time being I think I've already broken my vow. The vow that kept me solid on the ground, alive and safe with my own empathic shields…

'Tell him.' The same voice said in my head, this time calm and prepared.

I don't think it is time yet. I have only realized just now and I have no idea where it goes beyond.

'Maybe you are right but you have felt it long before you have realized it.'

And so with this in mind, I will tell Tsuzuki the truth. Maybe after, I will find the answers, whether it turns out to be fine or not. I will find tranquility in these swarming thoughts of mine.

"Tsuzuki…" I called out softly.

"Yeah?"

"Can we talk later?"

"About?"

"You'll find out later as well. Will you?"

"Uh…ah sure…"

"Thanks…" I whispered softly and returned with the folder I have been trying to summarize all afternoon.

+

I never did realize how fast the day is when you're lost in thought.

"Tsuzuki, lets talk by the Cherry Blossom tree. Is that okay?"

"Yeah, sure."

We walked in silence to the said tree. Even I can't believe this quiet presence looming around was uncalled for.

As soon as I reached the tree, I sat by the grass and leaned at the trunk of the tree. And as soon as Tsuzuki seemed comfortable enough as he can be, I began my confession.

"I don't know how to say this…umm…I don't even know when this all started…just let me talk for awhile. Then you can tell me your reply…please don't interrupt, at least not after I have said it all."

He nodded and I took a deep breath and finally started the real confession.

"I know you've noticed how much I've lost myself in my own thoughts. Truthfully, I'm worried about your own safety and mine as well. Ever since that night, the words I have said kept hunting me…and when I finally do realize I don't know…I think…its just that…what I'm trying to say is…I think…umm…I've fallen in love with you…no umm…I already did…umm…I love you, Tsuzuki."

He stared and gaped, and stared and gaped, and stared and gaped…while I waited and waited…for his reply. Until finally…

"You can't…" He whispered, his voice breaking.

"Tsuzuki, you can't tell me what I can and can't do but you can tell me now, what you feel about me too…I'm not forcing you to love me too…it just that…"

"YOU DON'T!"

I blinked at him, I could feel the pain…and soon the realization came rushing to me and I did my best not to cry for my own stupidity and ignorance.

"Tsuzuki…don't make this harder for me. Just tell me you don't feel the same and I'll bug off…I'll be gone but you can't tell me to erase this feelings…gods I don't even know what I'm saying. I'm not the man for words, I'm not the man of patience as well but I'm trying, I'm trying really…just please don't make my wait any longer…"

"Hisoka…you don't understand. You must be wrong…you can't love me? You can't! Maybe you're just confused but I swear…don't ever love me…don't!"

I swear, I never knew Tsuzuki to be _arrogant_; he doesn't understand everything I say. I thought he'd understand, I know he's afraid of hurting me but he's hurting me even more just by doing this…just by not admitting that he doesn't even a single drop care for me…and that was why Tatsumi and all the others left him. He believes he doesn't deserve love more that I do.

"I see…you could've said it earlier…you could've told you don't feel anything for me. This is a one-side love…and all this is just unrequited love. I'm sorry for making you confused…I'm sorry for bothering your time for all this crap…I'm sorry. But I'm not sorry I fell in love with you. You can tell Tatsumi to get you a new partner if you like…"

I stood up aggravated…I looked at the beautiful flowers of the Cherry Blossom tree as I let some of my tear fall (finally) and walked slowly away.

I could feel him…I could feel what he's thinking and I don't like it one bit. It reminds me of my pain, sorrow and loneliness…and why I need to walk on this earth alone.

"Everyone loves you, Tsuzuki. You're only hurting them by ignoring their pleas but I swear even if I never deserve love and even if it hurts…I'm happy I've felt it once. I already know since before I never deserve someone to perfect and unreachable like you just like I never did deserve love…"

The sun was already away as I started to trudge my way home…darkness would soon envelope the once blue sky.

I started to cough, nice at least I have a reason to call sick tomorrow but I didn't intentionally forgot my jacket at home and I never realized to go this late today. I felt a nagging feeling behind must be someone passing by.

"Hisoka…"

I continued to walk, ignoring the fact that I heard him. Though I have to say, I am curious why he followed me all this way.

He took my wrist and pulled me hard so I couldn't walk away and so I could look at him.

"I let one walk away once…I won't let another walk away again…" He said more to himself than to me.

"Let me go…"

"No!"

"What now? What the hell do you want?"

"Hisoka…?"

"What?! You're wasting my precious time," I said with a glare.

"Please don't look at me like that."

I sighed and waited.

"Hisoka…its just that…I'm sorry…"

Times up! I interrupted before he could finish what he was trying to say.

"Tsuzuki, you don't have to force yourself into loving me if you don't. I'm not asking for anything…I'm con…"

I think he was paying me back since I interrupted cause before I can even finish my sentence he kissed me, sliding his hands on my waist. And then it was over…

"W-wha?"

"I'm sorry…I didn't realize what pain I've given you…the truth is I was afraid, afraid that you were lying or you were just making it up because I was acting strange and I thought you knew how you can make me feel better by reading through your empathy even though I kept it securely…I love you…"

He wiped my tears away, caressed my face before tilting my chin and kissing me again and when we were both out of breath, we pulled away.

He caressed my face again and sighed.

"Hm?"

"I was afraid that you'd never look at me this way again. When you left you're eyes were lifeless…" He said softly.

"I'm sorry…I didn't mean to…"

"Its okay I deserve it."

"But why?" He asked.

"Why what?"

"Why did you love me?"

"I don't know, maybe because of the A in Asato…" I said with a smile.

"Ai shiteru…" (That's an A!!!)

"I know…I love you too…" He answered and gave me a sincere smile.

"Tsu…"

"Its Asato…"

"Umm…Asato will you be okay now? Cause its not like the Tsuzuki I know if you sulk every time…"

"Ah…I'll be fine. I'll be when you're here with me."

And I guess life can never get better. With me in Tsuzuki's arms everything is perfect. Finally, someone had learned to love me…and I'm free from my cellars…at last.

~*oWaRi*~

**_A/N:_** Wow…I'm done…I wanted to make this a humor but I guess I have no humor to spare at the moment…at least I've done it finally!!!

Please don't forget to review…thanks for reading!


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